Up on a flip chart my office is my 'Spring/Summer' Plan for this year. In beautiful felt pen colours are clusters of activities to support some large objectives. Some days it looked pretty and doable and these days daunting. This year has been one of shifting of plans, schedules, the actual amount I can accomplish. While I've always thought I had a high tolerance for ambiguity, this year has challenged this notion of myself.
When the the student is ready, the teacher appears. A dear friend of mine reminded me of that the other day as we caught up on our lives. The teacher isn't always about some white robed guru gracing your life. It can be a tendency, habit that it's time to let go of. Looking at the many line items on this flip chart has the mental effect today of tying me up in internal knots. I see all that still hasn't transpired and feel somewhat panicked. Clearly looking at this can be remedied. Remove the sheet or flip it over (it is a flip chart after all!). It goes deeper than that. It's wanting to do it all and damn the torpedos. The sense of applying a full court press to make things happen or, ..... Or what? That things fall to rack and ruin around me; I'm viewed as a slug (by myself mostly!); my life goes into a drift I'll never recover from. Now there are some interesting stories I'm telling myself. Not a lot of self acceptance here. Certainly a simple equation is playing out. Tasks done = good person.
So my 'teacher' is disruption, delays, rerouting. And she's laying it on pretty thick! My challenge is allow what's on the other side of this to see what I'm being asked to do. It's not easy. Though I guess a good lesson doesn't come without some work. Damn!
For now I'll just flip that sheet over and take a deep breath.