The last good while has been a funny space. One where the 'goal' is not clearly defined. The end point not visible. So I have been taking time to see where my energy is and what calls me forward in my days. Have to admit it's been a struggle to let go of my internal recriminations. I have reassured 'Betty' - my satin gowned, 50's styled, smoking inner critic. She's cutting me some slack (though not for long she tells me!) and I'm grateful.
My days have a very different rhythm to them. Especially in this heat. And I'm loving it. Time in the garden, a little work, walks and yoga, camping, reading and sleep. Solid deep sleep. I seem to manage my way through all the things that need doing and even some that don't need doing so much as a little attention. Gone, .... well greatly reduced, a internal frenetic-ness. The feeling that I was not doing the right something or enough of it.
Ran across a paragraph in a book called Coming Home: The Return to True Self by Martia Nelson. She framed up the potential of this time eloquently.
"..... consider that your destiny may be a pull rather than a plan, a process rather than an outcome, a matter of following the vibrancy of life force rather than being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.
This is a destiny that has no particular form and that, in fact, is not dependent on specific events or situations for it's expression. There is no fixed map with a set path that you are to follow to make your life worthwhile, ......... In such a reality, destiny is less about 'proper' unfolding of your life and more about inane unfolding of your being."
I know I'm not there yet but am learning to distinguish between the two. To trust the 'pull vs the plan' just a little more.